WordsLikeADream

There is no real reason to even try. To try is to fail. Failure is the current flow of time. I'm finding it so hard to deal, not even try, just deal and it's not happening. I feel like I'm crawling through a dirt hole with no flash light and no way to turn around. I'm praying that the tunnel doesn't crash but slowly inching loosing hope as the worms and rats crawl over me. Nothing you can do just accept the fact you're stuck. In the dark with everything walking over you and you have not a hope. You have to go one direction and it's not the one you want. When that is your option, your only option. Is it worth it? Cause right now I don't think it's worth it, or ever has been. The older I get the more I realize I was never happy.

I don't mean to sound like a complete douche but it's so hard to deal. Serena got engaged and I'm so happy for her. She said from the begining that she was going to marry him. And she was right. But i'm 21 and haven't had a serious relationship let alone a date. I'm like so frustrated. The whole world is coupled up and it's frustrating. Why is everyone snorting love?

After seeing SATC it's like even the eternally single, bitter, and broken hearted found love and happiness and it's like come on now, seriously? Dreams come true blah blah blah. If dreams come true no one would be hurt lets be honest.

I'm so cynical and a hypocrit. Now that my friends are home and my social life is booming again. i want no parts of it. kait's having a party friday and I can't even find one thing that would even make me want to go. I always forget how inferior i feel around my friends. Like when they talk to me they are being normal but I feel like i'm so tiny and weak. i don't know why. I feel like i can never compare or say anything worth while and I shut down. Tonight was the worst at dinner they were like what's new i'm like oh life is crazy what about you. That's it. I haven't talked to ellen in over a year and 3 words summed it up? I don't feel like a normal 21 year old guy, i don't feel like a normal human anymore. Why is it you can never fall apart when you so desperately shatter.

I love jfo and tiffany but anymore it feels like our conversations are like me talking, and them talking but we aren't talking to each other. We aren't listening. We are talking to talk. I hate that. I told tiff about the bs and stuff and I was feeling weird she just shrugged. Seriously? A shrug? Rapists are more comforting to their victims then a shrug.

I always said I'd never find love and 21 and a half years later, i haven't been proven wrong.

It's shit like quick engagements and SATC why people drink alone!

"Kian" my name on the dating website actually got a hit and a message today. After only being up like 48 hours at most. I will say it's a major confidence booster. Although you have to pay for the service to actually email people which is really really gay.

I've officially pimped myself out via the internet. I'm now on a personal's website. My life keeps hitting new lows all the time. I doubt i'll ever find a GF that way. I just hope no one I went to high school sees it. Good thing I used a fake name. *jill shrug*

Finally some good news. It looks as though my sister will be taking that job in Switzerland over the summer, which means.....I'M GOING TO EUROPE....again. Lou and I are planning to go to London for a few days, Switzerland, Italy, Germany??, but the big one we definitly are going to hit Greece! Sucks that Westlife is done touring the first of June or I would've been able to see them. GRR. Oh well I'll sacrafice that for an amazing tan from spending time on a greek isle.

John Mayer posted his tour dates only one near us. So that's sad compared to the normal 3 to 4 shows we usually see. And we are getting lawn seats for Maroon 5, Counting Crows, and Sara Bareilles which will be amazing.

My SCM midterm went very well. Aka I did the whole test in 4 minutes. Although tomorrow I have to miss hanging out to do my Basic Management test. WHICH SUCKS! But whatever.

For my story I'm gonna skip ahead probably 100+ pagesish to write stuff that will happen in april. I was going to wait and just write it later. But it's gonna be great to write now and work my way up to that point so we'll see.

Time for Hell's Kitchen this season looks amusing. The people look less culinary inclined than I am.

About 2 more weeks till I get to see Sara in concert which will be a hightlight of my life. Lou forgot to get the tickets for Maroon 5 in August so now we are just gonna get lawn seating for the show. Which is fine we did that for the John Mayer concert all those years ago...

I finally started studying for my SCM midterm that is on monday. I know so many people would be proud since i've procrastinated since oh I dunno Feb. 25th?

The RB story is at a slow chapter right now. Not sure what direction to take it. But as a little teaser i do know that a few people will be hanging out in the U.S.

Today is Staci's birthday and tonight is the St. Patty's Day Loop. I'm excited. It's going to be the world's largest shit show. I'm sure I'll run into everyone I've ever met in the state of Delaware. I invited Erin and her friend Steph to meet up along with Serena and her crew.

This week has been pretty lack luster. Nothing happened except mass amounts of playing super smash bros brawl. I need to start studying for my supply chain management midterm but can't even bring myself to open that damn book. Oh well...

I finished Chapter 21 in my story. I must say it's one of the better ones, I think...

These results are the reason I am so addicted to that site. Nothing is edited these are real results.



I think we match because of the pout.



These are some of my literal 20+ Shane matches.







The scary one that actually looks like me...





And a personal favorite

First and foremost let me say everyone should go on youtube and look up Amy Lee's song You. Yes it was pirated and she wanted it off the internet but it is an amazing and beautiful song.

K so I went to Target to get my camera sure enough they didn't have it! That made me a happy camper. But I applied for a job as diesel tech today. I know talk about random.

Currently I'm on a Westlife forum looking for good pics to get icons. Right now I'm finding Mark pics so we'll see if I actually getting around to getting it done.

Good news! Power Star merchandise is selling the supernatural season 3 promo poster that I've wanted since like novemberish. It's only like 9 bucks and then shipping but I need to have it since I have both season 1 and 2 posters.

I think tomorrow Lindsay and I are going into the woods near my house and playing model for our myspaces. I know so cheesy but I bet we get some really awesome photos out of it.

Sorry for the random thoughts but I'm in a weird random kinda mood.

So I finally am going to update my lj after months. I decided I'm gonna make a list of things to accomplish and keep a seperate LJ for that so you can track and see what is going on.

But in update news. I'm Jobless!!

So now that I'm a happy normal human again I'm going to get back into making icons and stuff. I'm going to do some Westlife ones and get back into Supernatural.

I am also going to actually work on my fan fics. The Shnicky one is in desperate need of attention. The main goal is to have a fic or two on DCT and Storyloife.

Cant wait for ValentiMes day and Carrie Underwood concert, and Vegas. It's going to be a great year. 

 I HATE LIFE!!

Jill we need to hang out soon. I swear you are the only person that can keep me grounded anymore. I'm so like angry and bitter again. I'm falling apart and you always seem to know how to pick up the pieces.

My stomach is in my throat and my nerves are on high alert. Even pre-gaming hasn't relaxed me. I hate myself. 

I'm sick of the taste of Doxycyline. I'm sick of using crutches. I'm sick of the taste of Motrin. I'm sick of waiting for doctors. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of being like this. 

When the fuck did I loose my identity. I'd really like to know. I was never happy in high school but I never recall feeling like I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. But in 4 short years I've lost evereything about myself. I'm so miserable I almost wrote a random bomb blowing up my character in my fan fic and just ending the story there. That's not like me. But then again who knows where the real mike is these days.

I'm thinking about cancelling some of my plans this weekend. I really need some alone time.

This isn't just a late night rant I'm just finally being vocal. 

Set me free, leave me be. -Sarah Bareilles, Gravity

My life feels so complicated right now...
I really just want to fly off the planet. Drift into the stars. Smile as I look back at Earth getting smaller by the second. Feeling free and knowing that only the cosmo's could hold me now. I'm in the kind of pain that time can't even heal because time has caused the wound. How can you fix a problem that you don't even have?

I'm proud of myself tonight. i was watching brothers and sisters (my adult show if you will) and the whole episode was about pregnancy and custody of children. And I realized that regardless of the circumstances I'm going to be an amazing parent. I won't always make the right choice but I will love my kids with every ounce of my being. Hell I already do and they aren't even a thought right now. I'm just proud of myself for knowing that one day when everything is right my kids will know that no matter what happens I'll always be there to love them. 

It also made me realize some things that will never change. Like I love my family more than anything in life and nothing will ever compare to the feeling they give me. We may argue and get fed up but I can't live without them and they are the reason for my living. The fact I am the biggest dreamer in the world and it hurts me so many times but it makes me who I am. I forgive people way to easy and hope they've changed for the best even when I know they haven't. I take things to heart easily. I want people to know I care but I don't always do it in the right manner. I get emotionally attatched to things easily. I'm not really angry ever I'm just scared. I get frustrated because I want to be happy but it never works out. I can't walk away from the past because then it'll mean it's over. I'm not ready to move on and I don't know why. 

It's 4am I've been up for over 2 hours now and I can't fucking sleep. I have like 40000 billion ideas for my new slash fic and nope can't fucking write. WTF. Although right now i'm so like mentally crazy I think that i'm going to come down with pink eye around 9 o clock and skip work. I'm just not in the mood anymore. It's time to take care of myself for once. 

So tonight I went to dinner at Tivoli but before that me and Lou went into happy harrys. Who do I see J.P. from my old accounting class. The whole class he and I never paid attention which prolly wasnt' a good thing but it made the class fun. I haven't talked to him in like a year but we caught up and I got his number so I'll prolly be hanging out with him in the near future that'll be fun. Then at dinner we ran into our neighbors who I went to school with her daughter. It's like why are all these random people coming out of the woodwork. They want me to call her and hang out. We'll see getting Jp's number was adventerous enough. I dunno bought calling her. 

TODAY I ALMOST DIED. Ok so I chocked because I was so fucking infuriated that in my story. I meet Shane Filan at Harrods in central London which is like my favorite store. DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW  that on Nov 5th Westlife is doing album signing and performing at HARROD'S for their new album. HOW PISSED AM I. I FUCKING PREDICT THIS EVENT AND NOW THEY ARE TORTURING ME LIKE THAT. I could meet westlife in a place I know so well and I CAN'T FUCKING GO CAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING US. It's so unfair it seriously has me depressed.

Don't bitch at me because you hate school. Here's an idea do your homework. Don't bitch to me that you dont' feel like working. I worked 4 days a week after school and i actually showed up on time and OH YEAH I ACTUALLY WORKED. Dont' even play martyr. Get off your cross. I have 0 patience for my co-workers. Alls they do is talk shit and point the finger of blame. I really wonder how long this is gonna last because I'm sick of this. 6 days a week is to fucking much. I'm done. I'm not talking unless spoken 2 and if it's personal shit it's gonna be yes or no even if it's not a yes or no question.

I'm so annoyed I didn't even work on my fan fics tonight. That pisses me off royally. 

Well my hell week is finally over. After working 3 9 hour days in a row (not to mention working 2 lunch shifts by myself) I finally have saturday and sunday off to work a 9 hour shift on monday! But it's ok my paycheck will be nice although I'm very knacered. I do have some great ideas for stories and stuff. I started yet another new one. This one is going to be based on the Zelda lore of the Sages with a slight avatar twist. I'm gonna have the sages have dominion over their elements. Like the forest sage have the ability to control nature, fire use fire, water with water etc... But I haven't decided if I should do it present day or base it like in the zelda games. I already know 4 of the sages I'm trying to figure out what 2 characters to add. And I'm also still thinkinging if the people fit the sage powers so it's a lot to think about. but this is going to be the first paragraph.

The sun caught her long flowing brown locks that were aloft in the breeze. She was perched atop the cliff that looked over Lake Hylia. She was a silhouette to the setting sun but she wondered, ‘how long will this peace last?’ The glistening light on the lake had faded only to live on in her now open eyes. She turned from the cliff, hair still blowing in the breeze, the time had come.

 

I got my westlife the greatest hits tour in the mail today! It'll be weird actually having a concert where bryan is still in the band. I have coast to coast but that is different that's just following them around for 3 days. And he honestly is the funniest one but we'll see.

I haven't posted chapter 4 of my fan fic yet but I'm gonna get that up today and I need to decide a title for it so i can make the icon. But the only thing I ask is if you do read it post a comment so I know someone is reading it and make me feel good. The LJ name for that blog is rentboymike. Add me as a friend I'm trying to update it daily but it's been hard this week with working 38 hours this week.